The Wedding Groomsman's Hangover
by Red Witch
Summary: Cyril is invited to a wedding. Unfortunately for him, not only do most of the Figgis Agency tag along, the ceremony is at a winery.


** The disclaimer telling you all that I don't own any Archer characters has just gotten drunk somewhere. It's summer! Or or at least it was when I wrote this. That means weddings and crazy movies. Or crazy movies about weddings. This is as close as I got. **

**The Wedding Groomsman's Hangover **

"Oh, my head," Cyril Figgis staggered into an extremely trashed living room of a hotel suite wearing only a pair of black boxer shorts. "It feels like a mariachi band is living in it."

He stared around him. "Trashed hotel room that I don't remember booking into. Check. Passed out naked woman in the bed I was just in who I don't know. Check. Empty bottles of alcohol. Check. Cake all over the walls and floor. Check."

He looked down and saw Krieger, Cheryl and Pam passed out under a blanket, draped over each other and clearly naked. "Idiot friends had an orgy…Check."

"Check please!" Pam groaned as she lifted one finger up.

"What the…" Krieger coughed as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. "O-kay. Trashed hotel room. Check. Empty bottles of alcohol everywhere. Check."

"Afterglow…" Cheryl giggled. "Check."

"Pounding headache," Pam sat up and it was revealed she was still wearing a strapless white bra. "Check."

Krieger looked around. "We had some kind of party last night, didn't we?"

"Brilliant deduction, Hercule Poirot!" Pam snapped. "Ugh my little grey cells have turned into little black and blue cells."

"It's official…" Cyril moaned. "My life has turned into some rip off of the Hangover movies!"

"Where the hell are we **now?"** Pam looked around.

"Wherever we are…" Ray stumbled out of the adjacent room wearing only a pair of black boxer shorts. "It's pretty swanky. There's a pull-out bed in that second room there. Which I admit I used. Pretty well actually…"

"We used the cushions of the couch on the floor," Cheryl said cheerfully as she sat up, using the blanket to cover her.

"I remember now," Cyril blinked. "It's all coming back to me. I got an invitation to my friend Tom Wells' wedding."

"Who is Tom Wells again?" Cheryl asked as she put her bra back on.

"I've explained who he is **three times**!" Cyril snapped.

"Well explain **again!**" Cheryl snapped. "Because I clearly don't remember!"

FLASHBACK!

"Tom Wells and I went to high school together," Cyril explained to Lana in the Figgis Agency bullpen. "We were on the swim team together. In debate club. On the Just Say No Club committee…"

"Boy did you fall off the wagon on **that one,"** Pam laughed. She was listening in on the couch. Cheryl and Ray were in the bullpen as well.

"Look we used to be really good friends back in high school," Cyril said. "And I was thinking…"

"Nooope!" Lana said.

"I haven't even **asked you** yet!" Cyril snapped.

"Forget it Cyril," Lana snapped. "I'm not going to be your date to your friend's wedding!"

"Cyril has **friends?"** Cheryl blinked. "And one of them is getting _married?"_

"I know," Ray said. "Shocking."

"You're still mad about Vegas, aren't you?" Cyril was stunned. "God Damn it Lana, how many times do I have to apologize for **that?**"

"What did he do?" Ray sighed.

"Interesting choice of words," Lana glared at Cyril.

ANOTHER FLASHBACK TO VEGAS!

Lana was stunned as she saw Cyril in bed with a blonde hooker in his hotel room. "What?" Cyril shouted. "You said we weren't going to get together again!"

"Go to hell Cyril!" Lana stormed out.

"Lana!" Cyril called out. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO INSISTED ON SEPARATE HOTEL ROOMS!"

FLASHFORWARD TO THE FIGGIS AGENCY!

"With good reason as it turns out!" Lana snapped.

"Lana you insisted on a **separate hotel room**," Ray pointed out. "Which Cyril had to pay for."

"Yes," Cyril coughed. "I paid for it. I certainly didn't put it on Cheryl's credit card."

"What?" Cheryl blinked. "Eh, doesn't matter…" She grabbed some glue and began to sniff it.

"That's a pretty clear signal that you weren't interested," Pam added. "What was he supposed to do? Just sit in his room rubbing one out in hopes you change your mind?"

"So, it wasn't just me?" Cyril asked.

"No, you were clearly in the right here," Ray nodded.

"WHAT?" Lana snapped.

"You said no to him earlier, right?" Ray asked.

"Actually, her **exact words** were…" Cyril glared at Lana. "_Nooope. No way in hell are we getting back together. EVER."_

"There you go," Pam nodded.

"Can't get mad at him for that, Lana," Ray said. "I mean it was stupid and careless as hell but technically Cyril didn't do anything wrong. Unless you're one of those people who frown on the whole prostitution thing. Then yeah…"

"Well I'm saying no **now!"** Lana snapped.

"Lana, I told you I need a date!" Cyril protested. "I'm one of the groomsmen. Okay a last-minute groomsman because one of Tom's cousins is sick with mono but still a groomsman!"

"I'm not going to Napa Valley with you Cyril," Lana snapped. "One disastrous weekend is more than enough!" She walked away.

"You got to see Boyz II Men, bought three pairs of shoes, rode a gondola and ate lobster risotto!" Cyril shouted out to her. "I wouldn't call **that **a complete disaster!"

Cyril looked at them. "She clearly said she wasn't interested in me before the whole hooker thing! What was I **supposed **to think?"

"Aren't those the **exact same words** she said before the last time you two got back together?" Cheryl asked. "Before she stole Archer's sperm?"

"YES!" Cyril snapped. "And she clearly told me that she was glad that she wasn't going to have Archer's demon spawn!"

"It's not your fault Lana's a liar," Cheryl shrugged.

"It isn't!" Cyril snapped.

"Yeah it's a shame," Pam realized something. "Can we back up to **where **this wedding is taking place? Napa Valley you said?"

"Yeah at this four-star hotel slash winery called the Angel's Paradise Vineyard," Cyril said. "I need a date. All my old friends from high school are going to be there. And most of them are married with kids by now. I don't want to go there with nothing to show for it! I mean yeah I own my own business…"

"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl, Pam and Ray started to laugh.

"He really thinks he's in charge here!" Cheryl laughed.

"I know!" Pam laughed some more.

"Cyril you have as much authority as a substitute teacher on the last day of school!" Ray snickered. "No wait, substitute teachers have more authority than you."

"THEY DON'T KNOW **THAT!**" Cyril snapped. "Technically this **is** my own business! But that's not enough. I just don't want to show up looking like a loser."

"You said you went to high school with these people," Ray pointed out. "I'm pretty sure they're used to it."

"I'll go," Pam said. "What? Free wine and food in Napa Valley! And I love weddings! I'm down for that!"

"Phrasing," Ray snickered.

"Hang on," Cheryl said. "Angel's Paradise Vineyard…? That's another one of my properties! Or at least the Tunt Corporation property. Same difference! I can get us a sweet room there!"

"Okay so both me and Cheryl will be your dates," Pam grinned. "You can walk in looking like a big shot!"

"That might actually work," Cyril realized. "What have I got to lose?"

"Famous last words," Ray snickered.

FLASHFORWARD!

"It's all coming back to me now…" Cyril groaned. "We all went to the wedding in one of Cheryl's jets. Which Ray had to fly so he came…"

"Phrasing," Ray snickered.

"And of course, Krieger didn't want to be left out so **he came**," Cyril realized.

"Phrasing," Ray said again.

"And of course," Cyril realized. "Krieger had to bring his own guest…Oh God!"

FLASHBACK!

"You **promised **me!" Mitsuko snapped as she floated in the aisle next to Krieger on the plane. "You promised me you wouldn't bring the **pig!**"

Next to Krieger in a seat of her own was a white pig with a horn on its head. "I said I wouldn't bring _Piggly,_" Krieger corrected. "This is Lady Amalthea! She's more appropriate for a wedding!"

"Definitely more appropriate than a radioactive pig," Cheryl remarked as she ate some groovy bears.

"She's a uni-pig!" Krieger explained. "A symbol of love!"

"She's a symbol of **insanity!"** Mitsuko snapped. "Not appropriate for a wedding!"

"Uh honey," Krieger motioned to Mitsuko's usual bridal outfit. "Neither is what you're wearing. I mean…You can't wear a wedding dress to a wedding if you're not the bride."

"Why **not?**" Mitsuko asked.

Cyril groaned. "Oh God I just made a huge mistake, didn't I?"

"Eh," Pam was calmly eating peanuts from a bag. "It's never stopped you before. Peanuts?"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Boy did your friends give you some interesting looks when we arrived," Ray snickered.

"I know," Cyril snapped. "And how you people behaved at the wedding wasn't much better!"

"The wedding wasn't that bad," Krieger protested.

"What wedding were **you **at?" Cheryl giggled.

FLASHBACK!

It was a typical wedding right out of the scene of a Hollywood movie. A happy couple was standing outside in flower covered gazebo in front of a minister. Rows of friends and family watching them exchange their vows.

"Tom and Bethany," The minister said. "You have declared your love for each other. And now the rings."

"Uh…" The best man looked embarrassed. "I kind of misplaced them."

"Oh no you **didn't**…" Cyril was standing there and saw something.

Lady Amalthea strode down the aisle carrying a basket with the rings in her teeth. **"Krieger!"** Cyril snapped.

"You're welcome!" Krieger grinned.

"Uh…" Bethany a petite brunette blinked as she reluctantly took the basket from the pig.

"Don't worry sweetie!" Ray called out. He had a drink in his gloved hand. "She doesn't bite!"

"Damn this wine has a bite!" Pam giggled as she clinked her glass with Ray's.

"It's bitchin' all right," Krieger was drinking some wine as well.

"Yeah my company makes damn good wine," Cheryl grinned as she drank. "Man, this wedding is going to be such a train wreck! I mean those two don't even look like they go together."

"As long as I get together with this wine," Pam drank some more. "Who cares?"

"Who invited _those people_?" An angry older woman hissed at her husband.

"Probably from the groom's side," The husband groaned.

The bride and groom nervously exchanged their rings as Lady Amalthea wandered off and started eating some nearby pansies from the side of the gazebo. "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride," The minister went on as if nothing had happened.

Tom and his bride kissed. Everyone applauded the happy couple and all was right with the world.

For exactly three seconds.

"_Oh, promise me that someday you and I!" _Mitsuko floated around above them, still wearing her wedding dress. "_We'll take our love up to some distant sky!" _

"I am going _**to kill**_ Krieger," Cyril groaned in embarrassment as Mitsuko few around singing to the bewildered wedding party and guests.

FLASHFORWARD!

"It was **cute**!" Krieger said. "People will be talking about that wedding for years!"

"That's what I'm **afraid** of," Cyril moaned.

"It's not like Lady A defecated on the aisle," Krieger said. "I admit she made a huge mess at the reception. But that was **already** a mess by the time she had an unfortunate bowel movement."

"I gotta agree with Krieger on this one," Pam said. "The wedding didn't get out of hand until the reception. That's when things started to go downhill."

Cyril paled. "Oh my god…I just remembered the reception! Starting with the wedding toast!"

FLASHBACK!

"And now a toast from the best man to…" An announcer at the podium began. Until he was shoved aside by Cheryl. "HEY!"

"Shut up!" Cheryl snapped. "I'm gonna make a toast! Not literally like Milton does…"

"Here we go," Ray was heard snickering from the back. Cyril was heard whining in agony.

"Okay! Hello! Hello!" Cheryl called out. "My name is Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt. I own the vineyard and the hotel. That means I can do pretty much anything I want here. I just have some words to say about Cyril Figgis. And his enormous dong!"

"Oh God," Cyril grabbed some wine and downed it all in one glass.

Cheryl went on. "I know. I know to look at the guy you would think he's a loser. And for the most part he is. Except in the bedroom! That's where he actually does something competently. I mean more than competently. Sometimes when we've done it, I actually walked funny for a few hours if you get my drift."

"And here comes the first exit to Hell," Cyril grabbed another glass of wine from a tray and drank it. "Damn, this thing has a kick."

"Yeah I banged Cyril Figgis," Cheryl snapped. "And you know something! I'm not ashamed to admit it! Unlike Lana Kane who thinks she so perfect! But she's actually a liar. She says she doesn't want to get back together with Cyril but as soon as he goes off with a hooker…"

"Oh Lord…" Cyril grabbed another glass of wine off a tray. "There is not enough wine in the world…"

"Anyway, I had sex with Cyril and I'm totally hot," Cheryl shrugged. "So, if he could screw me and satisfy me…Yeah. He deserves a shot. Honestly, I'm looking for a lady here that would have sex with Cyril so she can make Lana jealous. Because let's face it, I've already flown that mission. Not that I wouldn't mind a repeat."

"Speaking of which…" Cyril grabbed another glass of wine.

"That's all I have to say," Cheryl said. "If you're looking for really good easy sex go see Cyril. He'll bang pretty much anybody. He did bang Pam. And Scatterbrain Jane. And that French whore. Not to mention those other whores. And I'm pretty sure he did something with Ray…"

"I DID NOT!" Cyril shouted.

"OH, SO YOU ADMIT IT?" Ray shouted back.

"YOU WERE THE ONE WHO…NEVER MIND!" Cyril groaned. He grabbed another glass of wine and tried to hide into the crowd.

"I'd like to say something," Pam stood up. "Cyril Figgis banged me too. He wasn't half bad. And if anyone wants to have sex with me, I'll be in the women's bathroom. Or the men's bathroom. I'm not picky." She grabbed some wine and walked away.

"Are you getting this?" Ray asked Krieger.

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded as he was recording the entire evening with his phone. "We are so going to show Archer this when he wakes up. Or if. Or whatever."

"Make sure Lana sees this too," Ray said as he took a sip of wine. "She'll enjoy the fact she didn't come to this train wreck. Hmmm…Nice. This wine really has a kick."

"Yeah I sneaked in a little bit of my newest batch of Krieger Valley wine," Krieger nodded. "It blends in really well with the wine they have here."

"This is _Krieger Valley_ wine we've been drinking?" Ray did a double take at his empty glass. "Uh oh."

FLASHFORWARD!

"You gave the wedding party _**Krieger Valley Wine**_?" Cyril shouted. "How…?"

"I snuck a few vats in the luggage compartment of the plane," Krieger said. "Then…"

"Not **literally!**" Cyril snapped. "I mean why?"

"I didn't want to show up at the wedding empty handed," Krieger admitted.

"That was very nice of you Krieger," Cheryl said.

"Yeah it was great that everyone was drugged **out of their mind**!" Cyril groaned. "No wonder we all got blitzed!"

"Krieger's shit has more octane than a formula one racecar," Cheryl agreed. "Nice kick though."

"That explains a few more things that happened at that wedding," Pam realized. "Like the brawl."

FLASHBACK!

Two older women were fighting wildly. "Your bitch of a daughter's not good enough for my son!" One woman screamed as she tackled the other woman.

"SHE'S LUCKY TO HAVE HIM!" The other woman snarled as she punched. "THE LITTLE WHORE!"

Several ushers tried to separate the women only to get punched out by them. One usher fell into a table spilling wine everywhere.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Yeah that would do it," Krieger admitted.

Pam thought some more. "It was probably the reason the minister was doing a striptease on the bar."

Cheryl added. "Not to mention that one guy who thought that potted plant looked like Jennifer Aniston. What an idiot. If anything, that plant looked like Jessica Simpson."

"I thought that too," Krieger admitted. "Oh! I think Lady A had some of that wine. Well that explains her diarrhea."

"I'm pretty sure that pig wasn't the only one having a literal shit fit," Pam groaned. "That's probably why I went to the bathroom five times!"

"I don't know," Ray remarked. "That fish looked a little dicey. I'm glad I had the chicken."

"Oh God," Cyril realized something. "I made a toast too! I said **something!** Didn't I? I said something!"

"Boy did you ever," Pam took out her phone. "I recorded the whole thing! Hey I can even send it over the wi-fi to that TV over there!" She set it up.

"Goody!" Ray grinned. "Movie time!" He sat down on the couch and grabbed a bottle of champagne.

"Was it bad?" Cyril whimpered.

"Depends on who you were in the room," Pam hit some buttons.

"You were so plastered!" Cheryl cackled.

The TV turned on. "Good picture," Krieger remarked.

"We can see Cyril's humiliation really clearly," Cheryl grinned. Cyril gave her a dirty look.

_On screen was Cyril. He was clearly hung over and had his tie around his forehead. "Hello? Hello? Everybody listen to me!" Cyril spoke into the microphone. "I wanna…I wanna say something." _

"_My name is Cyril Figgis…And I'm a sex addict." _

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…" Cheryl cackled manically.

"This will not end well," Cyril groaned.

"_You know __**why**__ I'm a sex addict?" Cyril asked blearily. "It's because I didn't get enough love as a child. Not only from my bastard father. But from my so-called friends. And some of my other so-called friends who gave me this sex addiction. Now you may think sex addiction can't be contagious but it can. Oh, it can. The people I live with are practically the Typhoid Marys of sex addiction." _

"_But this isn't about them…This is about you all. All the people I went to high school with. You smug self-satisfied bastards…Sometimes I wish you would all burn in Hell." _

"Well," Cyril sighed. "There goes any chance I had of being on the reunion committee."

"_You know, a lot of you bastards looked down on me in high school," Cyril snarled. "Because I wasn't popular enough. Or good looking enough. Like you Karen Marlass. You wouldn't go out with me because I wasn't __**good enough**__ for you!" _

"_Look at you now," Cheryl wandered around drunkenly. "You look more like Karen More-Ass!" _

"_HA!" Pam laughed from the crowd. _

"_She's fatter than Pam!" Cheryl said._

"_She is!" Cyril snapped. "Well take a good look at me now, bitch! I have my own detective agency in LA and I've banged this woman at least a dozen times!" Cyril pointed to Cheryl. "And she has a way better body than you ever did!"_

"_WHOO!" Cheryl cheered. "In your face!" _

"_And __**you**__, Blake Darlington," Cyril pointed. "You would never invite me to your stupid weekend parties at your parent's lake house. Where you would have fun in the hot tub and play spin the bottle! Yeah, I knew all about it! I did your damn math homework for two freaking semesters! The least you could have done is introduce me to some damn cheerleaders!" _

"_That's telling him, Cyril!" Cheryl cheered. _

"_Well you know what Blake?" Cyril sneered. "I've had better parties in the bathroom of my agency than you've had at that stupid lake house. I know for a fact that while you bragged to everyone that you nailed Chrissy Thompson on graduation night. You didn't. You __**lied.**__ You know how I know that? That weekend you were supposedly nailing Chrissy at the lake house. She was with __**me**__ in the backroom of the library! I totally nailed her! SUCK IT BLAKE!"_

"_WHAT?" Someone shouted. "YOU SAID YOU WERE A VIRGIN WHEN WE GOT MARRIED!" _

"_FIGGIS!" A woman screamed._

"_Huh?" Cyril looked into the audience, bleary eyed. "Oh, hi Chrissy. What's new?" _

"_CYRIL FIGGIS YOU LYING LITTLE…" Chrissy shouted. "JUST SHUT UP!"_

"_YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cyril shouted. _

"_Yeah!" Cheryl shouted back. "Wait a minute…" _

"_Who else have you lied about sleeping with?" A man shouted. _

"_You can't believe anything that drunken loser says!" Chrissy shouted._

"_I think he's told more truth in ten minutes than you have in the ten years we were married!" The man shouted. _

"_It wasn't like I was her first dude," Cyril said. "Trust me on this! She knew what she was doing. And who she was doing! Phrasing! Boom! Or is it whom she was doing? Who? Whom? Who? Whom? Whooooo? Whoooooom?" _

"_Keep focused Figgis," Pam called out. "Anybody else you wanna call out with embarrassing details?" _

"_Uhhhh…." Cyril blinked. "Pretty much everyone actually. I mean you all thought I was the biggest dweeb in high school. Let's be honest. None of you really thought I was worth much." _

"_Fair assessment," Ray was heard off camera. _

"_But you know what?" Cyril said. "My life is __**awesome.**__ I've travelled all over the world. I have my own business. And I've nailed more women than most guys in this room combined!" _

"_He nailed me!" Cheryl nodded. "A lot of times."_

"_And me!" Pam called out. _

"_And me!" Ray called out._

"_Ray you damn liar, shut up!" Cyril shouted. "Technically Ray and I never really…" _

"_So, you __**admit it**__?" Ray called out. _

"_Now is __**not**__ the time Ray!" Cyril snapped. "Where was I? Was I saying something?" _

"_You were saying how your life is great," Cheryl hiccupped. "Honestly, it's a shock to me too, but looking around this room…Yeah. Cyril is doing better than most of you losers." _

"_I don't know __**why**__ I felt like I had to impress you uptight assholes," Cyril scoffed. "Most of you aren't worth shit! Except for you Tom. You're great. Aces in my book. But I gotta be real. That marriage of yours isn't gonna last. I mean…I don't know exactly what's wrong with the two of you. But there is something. Can't put my finger on it…Phrasing…But there is." _

"_OH MY GOD!" Someone screamed. "THAT PIG CREATURE JUST WENT TO THE BATHROOM IN THE HALLWAY!" _

"_I think I'm going to join it…" A queasy man stumbled past Cyril. "I knew I should have had the chicken!" _

"_GUYS!" A man was carrying a potted plant in his arms. "Jennifer and I have an announcement! We're getting __**married!**__" _

_ "That's Jessica Simpson you idiot!" Someone else called out. _

"_I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Someone giggled drunkenly in the background. _

"_REVEREND PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" Someone screamed. _

"_BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHH!" The sounds of someone vomiting were heard off camera._

"_Glad I didn't have the fish," A woman said. _

_Cyril paused. "No…That's not it. There's another reason…" _

"_THERE'S A GHOST IN THE ROOM!" A woman screamed._

"_I'm not a ghost!" Mitsuko floated by. "Why do people always __**say that?**__ Mitsuko out!" _

"_WHEEEEE!" The minister ran by wearing only a pair of white boxer shorts. _

_SMASH!_

"_OH MY GOD!" Someone shouted. "THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE JUST THREW THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM OUT THE WINDOW!" _

"_We're only on the first floor," Someone hiccupped. "Calm down." _

"_Okay I'm done now," Cyril hiccupped. "I'm gonna go have sex with…Somebody. You can all do what you want. Figgis out!" He dropped the mike and wandered away. _

_Then someone shouted. "Are you eating the cake?"_

_It cut to a scene of Pam eating the wedding cake with one hand. A huge chunk taken out of it. "What?" _

The film stopped and everybody stared. "Okay that was bad," Ray admitted as he sipped some champagne.

Cyril winced. "That wasn't just bad. That was **apocalyptic!**"

"Things got a bit out of hand after I got caught eating the wedding cake," Pam admitted. "I might have lost a tiny bit of self-control."

FLASHBACK!

"AAAHHHH!" Pam yelled as she threw wedding cake chunks at everyone. Including the bridesmaids.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Definitely went out of control," Pam winced as she realized she had some frosting in her hair. She saw some cake on the couch and started eating it.

"Not as out of control as Lady A's bowels," Ray remarked. "All over the hallway. And part of the dance floor. And the front steps. And on that one bridesmaid's dress."

"I'm remembering something else…" Cyril realized. "Some kind of altercation? When we got to this room. Wait, what room is this?"

"Uhhhh…" Pam looked around. "Oh…I remember."

FLASHBACK!

"I don't freaking care if this **is** the honeymoon suite!" Cheryl yelled at the concierge who was trying to block them from entering. "I'm Cheryl God Damn Tunt and I own this hotel so get out of my way so not only can I get my swerve on, Cyril can bang either me or that chick he just picked up!"

"YEAH!" Pam said as she threw the concierge out of the way before they entered the room. "AND DON'T FORGET THE CAKE!"

"CAAAAAKKE!" Krieger was carrying what was left of the wedding cake.

FLASHFORWARD!

"We kicked the bride and groom out of their **hotel room?"** Cyril did a double take. "Wait. Who did I sleep with last night? Hang on…" He went into the next room.

"Cyril got lucky?" Ray did a double take. "Hang on…"

Cyril walked back out with a stunned look on her face. "Bethany is in there."

"WHAT?" Pam shouted.

"Not so loud! Ear balls!" Ray and Cheryl shouted.

"Oh God…" Cyril realized something. "I slept with the bride. I slept with my friend's bride!"

"Some friend you are," Krieger quipped. "Wait how did **that** happen?"

"I **don't know**!" Cyril snapped. "I was drunk! But I do remember talking to some woman…And then…Oh God. I slept with the bride. Tom is going to be pissed."

"Okay technically we didn't kick the bride out of the hotel room," Ray groaned.

"She's passed out cold in the bedroom," Cyril realized as he sat down on a chair. "With a weird smile on her face."

Cheryl nodded. "Been there."

Cyril moaned. "I now have more stories about all the insane drunken debauchery we've done…Stories that would make Caligula blush! And half of them involve being sexually assaulted by you people! You people did this to me! You made me one of **you**! I was a normal person before I met you people! And now I'm a deranged sex addicted lush!"

"He says that like it's a bad thing," Cheryl looked at the others.

"Are you really going to take **that tone** with us?" Pam blinked.

"Yeah, I mean, _**hello?**_" Cheryl pointed to the bedroom. "Drunk bride you just banged in there."

"Got to say," Krieger shook his head. "Not a very good groomsman. Or a friend."

"And I never went all the way with you," Ray pointed out. "Technically."

"You went **far enough**!" Cyril snapped as he stood up. "In fact, all of you have had your way with me one way or another over the years! Even **you** Krieger!"

"No, I didn't!" Krieger pouted. "Technically."

"I remember the Japanese Hot Tub!" Cyril snapped. "Well most of it. Technically."

"Technically Krieger didn't go all the way with you then," Cheryl explained. "That was the weird monster Krieger had in there."

"Yeah, that thing went…" Pam then realized something. "Oh my God. That thing technically went all the way with **all** of us!"

"Except for Ray," Cyril groaned.

"Actually…" Ray winced. "There was an incident when I thought I was alone and…Yeah. It did. Technically."

"Whatever happened to Blinky?" Cheryl asked. "I miss that little guy."

"Me too," Krieger nodded.

Pam sighed. "We clearly have to have some kind of seminar about sexual misconduct or something."

"We do have a problem with boundaries," Krieger admitted.

"Yes! You don't have any!" Cyril shouted.

"And that's bad **why?**" Cheryl asked.

"My point is that you are all a bunch of sexual deviants who are out of control!" Cyril snapped. "No wonder I developed a sex addiction! You people are **carriers!**"

Ray gave him a look. "Cyril before you ride off on your high horse, could you remind us again why you got kicked out of the Ritz Hotel back in New York?"

"Uh…" Cyril blinked.

"**And** the Four Seasons Hotel?" Pam added.

"Well…" Cyril started.

"And the elevator at the Space Needle?" Krieger added.

"Okay technically I wasn't doing anything but just riding up and down a few dozen times…" Cyril protested.

"And that old Hollywood mansion you went to a few months ago?" Cheryl added.

"I had no idea that service elevator was part of the tour!" Cyril snapped.

"And what happened at your fourth attempt to go to a sex addiction meeting," Ray added.

"You said you'd never tell anyone!" Cyril snapped.

"He masturbated in an elevator, didn't he?" Pam asked.

"Pam!" Cyril snapped.

"Nope," Ray shook his head. "Closet. Phrasing!"

"Okay in my defense…" Cyril sputtered. "Who the hell shows a porno at a sex addiction meeting?"

"It was an episode of Baywatch," Ray said. "And supposed to be a test in self-control."

"Which I'm guessing Cyril obviously failed," Krieger said.

"What kind of sex addiction meeting shows a bunch of female lifeguards running in slow motion?" Cyril snapped. "I mean come on!"

"That sounds like entrapment to me," Pam said.

"It **was!**" Cyril shouted. "No judgement my ass. I'm seriously doubting the credentials of those so-called therapists. I should stop going to those meetings."

"They obviously don't work," Pam remarked. "According to your ex-landlord."

"**Ex-**landlord?" Ray did a double take.

"Pam!" Cyril growled.

"You got caught masturbating in that private elevator again at your apartments, didn't you?" Ray asked.

"First of all," Cyril said. "It's technically not **a private elevator**. There was no special key or anything. It was more like a service elevator that went to the top floor. And why the hell did Mrs. Dinklespring have to walk her stupid yapping Chihuahua at two in the morning?"

"Oh God…" Ray snickered.

"Her apartment is on the other side of the building! She had no reason to be there!" Cyril snapped. "Crazy old drunken bat! That's right! I smelled liquor on her breath! That's why she screamed because she was so soused!"

"Did the dog try to bite your balls?" Cheryl giggled.

"No!" Cyril snapped. "It just peed all over the elevator. Which by the way Mrs. Dinklespring should be responsible for its cleaning! Not me! I didn't make a mess! I had tissues to make sure…I'm not an animal you know?"

"According to Mrs. Dinklespring…" Pam snickered.

"Well if those bastards think I'm paying that cleaning bill, they are going to wait a long time," Cyril snapped. "That will teach them to not give me my deposit back!"

"Uh huh," Ray gave him a look.

"And let's not forget," Pam added. "The Elevator Incident. You were standing naked in a corner jacking off…"

"Well you and Ray were fighting naked!" Cyril snapped. "Cheryl and Krieger were fighting tearing off each other's clothes and Lana was beating the shit out of Archer…"

"I admit that last one is a turn on," Cheryl spoke up. "And again…You just slept with your friend's new bride. Who was drunk! Just saying!"

"Our point is Cyril," Ray said. "You are just as depraved as the rest of us. Oh god we are just as depraved as **Cyril.**"

"That is a sobering fact," Krieger admitted.

"And let's be honest Cyril," Pam remarked. "The only time most women will let you touch them is if they're half plastered."

"You know…?" Cyril glared at her.

"Oh God…" Tom staggered out of the other room, wearing only a pair of black boxer shorts. "What did I **do** last night?"

"Me actually," Ray held up his hand. "Oh…right. Now I remember."

"Okay so technically we didn't kick the groom out of his room either," Krieger said.

"Oh God…" Bethany staggered out of the bedroom wearing only a sheet. "I slept with someone else on my wedding night! Oh God!"

"You were right Cyril," Pam said. "There was a reason those two didn't go together!"

"Tom?" Bethany did a double take.

"Bethany?" Tom was stunned. "Wait, you slept with my wife?" He looked at Cyril.

"And you slept with Ray," Cyril pointed.

"Hello!" Ray waved weakly.

"WHAT?" Bethany was stunned.

"Uhh…." Tom blushed.

"Holy shit snacks!" Pam gasped. "Cyril and Ray pulled off a San Francisco Switch!"

"You slept with **another man** on our wedding night?" Bethany shouted.

"So did you!" Tom snapped.

"Hey Cyril," Cheryl said. "Remember when you said that there was something off between Tom and Bethany? I think I just realized what it is."

"Huh, suddenly I don't feel so bad about it," Cyril blinked.

"WHAT?" Tom and Bethany shouted.

"Well I do feel **bad**," Cyril admitted. "But come on Tom!" He pointed to Ray. "You slept with **him!"**

"And he wasn't bad at it either," Ray smirked.

"Well Cyril was a lot better than you, Tom!" Bethany snapped. "He was great!"

"I know, right?" Pam asked.

"I can't help it!" Tom shouted. "That guy is more attractive than you! Wait a minute…"

"Thank you," Ray grinned.

"Not helping Ray!" Cyril groaned.

"Oh shit," Tom groaned. "I really am gay, aren't I?"

"WHAT?" Bethany shouted.

"Told you this was gonna be a train wreck," Cheryl giggled.

Just then there was a pounding at the door. "Does somebody want to get that?" Pam asked. "And by somebody, I mean the person who **owns** this hotel!"

Everyone looked at Cheryl. "Yeah…About that…" Cheryl blinked.

"Oh no…" Pam groaned.

The next thing the Figgis Agency knew they were running for their lives from an angry wedding party to the private jet. "DAMN IT CHERYL! THIS WASN'T EVEN ONE OF YOUR HOTELS!" Cyril yelled. He was barely dressed and trying to put on a shirt while running.

"WELL I **THOUGHT **IT WAS!" Cheryl shouted. She was carrying a few wedding gifts.

"YOU THINK YOU OWN **EVERYTHING!"** Ray screamed. He was carrying a bottle of champagne.

"I'M A TUNT! I OWN A LOT OF THINGS!" Cheryl shouted.

"This is the damn spa all over again!" Pam groaned. She was also carrying some wedding gifts. "Only there's no fire or Russian assassins this time!"

"Uh, maybe there aren't any assassins," Ray looked over his shoulder. "But there are an awful lot of people who want to kill us!"

"They're not going to kill us!" Pam snapped. "They just want to stick us with the bill!"

"Run for it!" Cheryl snapped. "I pay **enough** for you people! I ain't paying anymore!"

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO INSISTED ON COMING HERE!" Cyril snapped.

"Well I didn't know I was going to pay for it!" Cheryl snapped. "And I'm not!"

"These people want to kill us!" Ray shouted.

"Well not until after they make us pay the bill!" Pam snapped.

"Pam some of them are carrying clubs and pitchforks!" Ray snapped.

"Krieger looked over his shoulder. "And a lot of rope."

"That's it!" Ray snapped. He turned on his super speed and zoomed into the jet.

"GOD DAMN IT RAY!" Cyril shouted. "IF YOU LEAVE US BEHIND TO GET KILLED YOU ARE SO GETTING A CUT IN PAY!"

"Krieger!" Mitsuko floated next to him. "What you do **now?" **

"Me and Pam," Cheryl quipped.

"WHAT?" Mitsuko snapped.

"Oh, don't be so self-righteous!" Krieger snapped. "You made it very clear you had no interest in getting together tonight!"

"STOP FIGHTING AND RUN!" Pam shouted. "Wait, where's the pig?"

"He right **here!**" Mitsuko pointed to Krieger.

"Oh ha, ha…" Krieger rolled his eyes. "Very funny! She was clearly talking about Lady A!"

"WHO CARES?" Cyril shouted. "JUST RUN FOR IT!"

"SQUEEEE!"

"AAAAHHH! OWWW! OWWW! AAAAAHHHH!"

"Oh, there she is," Krieger remarked. "Poking her way through the crowd with her horn!"

"JUST SHUT UP AND RUN!" Cyril shouted. "GOD RAY IS STARTING THE ENGINE ALREADY!"

"WE WANT HIM TO DO THAT!" Pam shouted. "SEE THE DOOR IS STILL OPEN!"

"GET TO THE CHOPPAH!" Cheryl shouted. "I've always wanted to say that."

Sirens were heard in the distance. "Who called the cops?" Krieger snapped. "That is so annoying!"

"RUN!" Pam screamed as she ran faster.

"Mitsuko is so out of here," Mitsuko snapped as she managed to fly quickly inside the plane.

"SQUEEEE!" Lady A zoomed by the Figgis Agency and into the plane.

"How is the damn pig running so fast?" Cyril shouted.

"I put some bionics in her! DUH!" Krieger snapped. "Should have put some in ourselves!"

"Maybe if the crowd kills us you can bring us back to life as cyborgs?" Cheryl stopped. "Hey!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pam turned around, grabbed Cheryl and threw her over her shoulder.

"You never let me do **anything!"** Cheryl snapped.

"RAY! START THE PLANE!" Cyril shouted as he ran into the plane.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M **DOING HERE**?" Ray shouted. "COMPOSING THE NEXT HIT BROADWAY MUSICAL?"

"Ray we've told you a dozen times," Krieger panted as he got in. "Nobody **cares **about the Teapot Dome Scandal nowadays!"

"WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN!" Cyril shouted.

"WHY **NOT**?" Ray shouted.

"JUST GET US OUT OF HERE!" Pam snapped as she and Cheryl got in the plane.

Ray heard the sirens. "Prepare for takeoff!"

"AAAAHHH!" Everyone flew backwards as Ray took off. Except for Mitsuko of course.

"You people should really wear seatbelts," Mitsuko remarked.

"I **said** prepare for takeoff!" Ray added.

"You didn't give us any time to prepare!" Pam untangled herself from the group.

"Well I didn't want to give the lynch mob any time to kill us!" Ray shouted.

Pam paused. "Good point."

"SQUEEEE!"

"OW!" Cyril shouted. "Speaking of points, Krieger get this damn pig off my ass!"

"Sorry," Krieger pulled Lady A off of him. "Hey! I think my hangover's gone!"

Pam panted. "Yeah nothing like running from an angry mob to get the blood flowing."

"Look at those idiots on the ground!" Cheryl giggled as she looked out the window. "All jumping and screaming and waving their fists and clubs. And here come the police! Ooh! I think somebody just hit a cop! Yay! A riot!"

"Oh, you know we are gonna get blamed for this," Ray sighed. "Cyril…"

"I'm on it," Cyril took out his cell phone. "Hello Mr. Lee…Yeah. Cheryl kind of got us in another mess again…"

Two days later…

"Hey Cyril," Pam remarked as Cyril stomped into the break room with a black eye. "You look like you ran into a fist and lost!"

"I have a feeling that's **exactly** what happened," Ray remarked. He was also in the break room along with Cheryl and Krieger.

"Lana saw the video of the wedding reception," Cyril said acidly. "Thanks a lot for uploading it to Me Tube Pam!"

"You're welcome," Pam grinned. "Archer is so going to get a kick out of that!"

"Lana almost kicked my ass into another time zone!" Cyril snapped as he pointed to his black eye. "She's so mad she said she's taking the next three days off with pay!"

"So?" Cheryl asked as she nibbled some groovy bears. "We don't see or hear Truck-A-Saurus for a whole three days. Worth every penny if you ask me!"

"You know not only is Lana going to blab about this to Mallory," Cyril snapped. "She's going to see the video! And then she's going to tear into me like a lioness about to have a zebra buffet!"

"She totally will," Pam nodded.

"And that's only the cherry on the ice cream of destruction," Cyril sighed as he sat down in an empty seat. "Tom and Bethany had a faster annulment than half the starlets in Hollywood."

"They weren't going to last anyway," Pam told him.

"Tom's former father in law who had hired his soon to be son in law last month has fired him," Cyril groaned. "And is now suing me and the agency for destroying his daughter's marriage."

"That can't be good," Pam said.

"Tom's mother had to get stiches," Cyril added. "And apparently a rabies shot because Bethany's mother bit her."

"That was a good fight," Krieger nodded.

"Bethany's aunt had a heart attack due to fright of seeing Mitsuko," Cyril went on.

"She saw Mitsuko at the wedding," Pam blinked. "How can she forget **that?**"

"Apparently she has a mild form of dementia," Cyril explained. "Well she **had** a mild form of dementia…"

"Okay that was my bad," Krieger admitted. "I told her not to wear the wedding dress at the wedding."

"Yeah **that's **what did it," Ray gave him a look.

"Tom has taken off to what was supposed to be his honeymoon in Greece," Cyril said. "To go find himself."

"More like find himself a lot of guys to screw," Ray snickered.

"Bethany has checked herself into the Betty Ford clinic," Cyril groaned. "Her father is trying to stick me with the bill for that one too!"

"Sounds like she had a problem way before you showed up," Krieger pointed out.

"The owner of that hotel slash vineyard is suing our agency as well," Cyril groaned. "And giving us a huge bill in damages."

"I just got a call from Ugly," Cheryl looked at her phone. "My stupid company manager. He's not happy. Ha!"

"Three members of the mob got into a fight with the police and were arrested," Cyril groaned.

"As long as it wasn't us," Ray shrugged.

"Some people are mad that we stole some wedding gifts," Cyril sighed. "Not as much as the fact that we slept with both the bride and the groom and destroyed the wedding. But still they're miffed they're not getting their money back."

"Tough titties," Pam said. "I'm not giving back that blender. It's sweet!"

"Krieger you got another death threat from PETA," Cyril took out a letter and handed it to him. "They recognized your work from the video."

"I'll just put it in with the others," Krieger waved.

"The minister has been defrocked in disgrace," Cyril groaned. "And was last seen heading off to Vegas."

"Been there," Ray admitted with a sigh.

"One of my old high school acquaintances Edgar Grant was arrested for public nudity," Cyril added. "And molesting a plant that didn't belong to him. He's currently in a psychiatric ward."

"Were you close?" Ray asked.

"Honestly I never cared for him," Cyril admitted. "Okay **that** part of the evening was funny!"

"There's always a bright side," Pam nodded.

"Five people got food poisoning," Cyril paused. "Although that could have been the fish."

"It did look a little dicey to me," Pam nodded.

"Most of my friends from high school will probably never want to talk to me again," Cyril went on.

Cheryl remarked. "Considering most of them probably never wanted to talk to you in the first place…"

"Chrissy Thompson and her husband have now separated," Cyril added. "Apparently they were having a lot of problems in their marriage and my little faux pas was the last straw."

"Technically that wasn't a faux pas," Ray corrected. "More like a full-blown meltdown."

"I've just gotten an e-mail from my high school reunion committee," Cyril said. "Disinviting me to the next class reunion. And the one after that. And the one after **that**. They say if there are no further incidents, I _may_ be allowed at the 50th Class reunion. But seeing as how Chrissy Thompson is on the committee, I doubt **that** will happen."

"Those things are so boring anyway," Pam waved.

Cyril sighed. "The worst part is sooner or later my father will hear about this. Not looking forward to reading **that** e-mail!"

"You don't think he'd call you?" Ray asked.

"Even if he did," Cyril said. "There's no way I'm taking **that **call!"

"Relax Cyril," Cheryl waved. "My lawyers are going to take care of it. They're used to this sort of thing. Hell, my uncles and my father actually **killed people** and got away with it. I think we'll be okay with trashing a hotel and wrecking a marriage that didn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell in the first place. Well I will at any rate."

"Good for you," Cyril said sarcastically.

Then Cyril's phone rang. "Oh look, my next angry phone call…" Cyril sighed as he answered it. "Cyril Figgis, life's scapegoat speaking."

Cyril blinked. "Who is this? Really? I thought I'd be the **last **person you'd call. Really? Are you **serious?** Huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Where and when is…? Oh. Okay. Why not? Yeah, I'll set it up. Really? Well that's awfully big of you. Well yeah, we were all dicks in high school. Okay. See you then."

"Who was that?" Ray asked as Cyril hung up his phone.

"It was from Blake Darlington," Cyril was still stunned.

"I'm guessing he was mad that you called him out last night," Ray remarked.

"No," Cyril said. "He wasn't mad at all."

"Then what did he want?" Ray asked.

"He wants me to plan his next bachelor party," Cyril remarked. "He specifically requested Mitsuko and the hot blonde chick that started the cake fight."

"I'm in," Pam grinned.

"I'm confused," Ray remarked. "Why would he want you to plan his bachelor party after you insulted him?"

"Because he's never liked Bethany," Cyril explained. "And his new wife to be **really **hates Chrissy."

"Ohhh…" Everyone else said.

"Apparently my drunken confession got him out of the doghouse," Cyril said. "And he said he never had more fun in his life."

"Yeah that would…" Krieger did a double take. "Wait, why would he specifically request _Mitsuko?" _

Mitsuko appeared. "You not the **only one** who had sexy good time last night!"

"WHAT?" Krieger shouted.

"HA!" Mitsuko stuck out her tongue and disappeared.

"GOD DAMN IT WOMAN!" Krieger shouted. "ONE OF THESE DAYS I WILL FIND A WAY TO DELETE YOU!"

"Mitsuko not hold her breath on **that one!"** Mitsuko taunted.

"Where's the wedding?" Pam asked.

"The Tuntmore Hotel," Cyril said.

"Now I know I own that one!" Cheryl grinned. "I'm in!"

"You'd be in even if it wasn't yours, would you?" Ray sighed.

"You know me so well," Cheryl admitted.

"Why not?" Krieger admitted. "Might as well go."

"It is something to do," Pam remarked. "And maybe we will find someone else to do?"

"We should go into the business of party planning," Ray remarked. "We're experts at it."

"More like experts at crashing them," Pam snickered.


End file.
